Streaming Down from Satellites

Streaming down from satellites
I'm tracking where you are tonight
following your every move
to ensure you'll be alright

And my hearts in a craze and there are lumps in my throat
I can barely breathe now that this feeling's taken hold
Its persistence is astounding drowning out every other thought
bouncing around my brain
but I know that I can't say anything so it just needs to fade

I want you to hold my tongue
'cause I can't do this anymore

by now you're a figment that pervades my dreams
despite my best wishes you're always there
compensating for what I can't have

We all have dreams but they say it's best to give up on these
but it's so damn hard

London Fire

I would follow the train tracks until they intersect
but every time we meet it always ends in my death
you couldn't live with me
and since; I've learned of regret
all the bullshit we've fostered
by dealing with each other
it's all that I've got left

I thought love was something we all had yet you even stole that

but still
just because I hate you doesn't mean I don't want you
We'll turn this town into London circa 1666
and watch as the wind takes our creation places we could never imagine
without the Thames to keep it in
now that destruction is the only form of artistry I've got left

I thought love was something you'd given me but just as easily
you took it away

Good Morning

this rate I'm relying on evolution to hold off my execution.

I didn't think of breathing. I didn't think of breathing but at least the poison didn't take.
I didn't think of breathing. I didn't think of breathing so I'm dying anyway.

What am I saying, Am I always like this just after waking?

I need to tell you something. I need to tell you something.
Thank god you didn't answer your phone. It's not like I wanted you to know

How crazy you make me, how crazy you make me.
I didn't think of breathing, I didn't think of breathing.

Canvas

You wrapped yourself in mirrors
You wrapped yourself in mirrors.

the bathroom wasn't enough
for your features to be exposed
to the only one of import
to the fucking princess of the world

you try to transform your passionless existence
by drowning in your lipstick
feverish you sheathe it like a sword
like you're a heroin of a cause
but it's just another form of heroine
kept just outside your jaws
you realise it's a vapid form of self-expression
but you do it anyway
because how else can you say
"I could be beautiful
with my blank canvas
paint me every shade of grey
paint me every shade of grey"

Church (Join Our Community)

Let the monotony of the mirror wash over you
and fog it up with steam
drop that existentialism and come with me
in one noxious stroke, I'll kill every thought inside of you
supplant my own idyllistic dreams
lie to you, and steal your individuality

just please ignore the man behind the curtain and the strings around your limbs
in fact, just close your eyes let my shine through your lids
as the only thing that's right
Join our community!
It doesn't take much, maybe a little money
Fuck it! Give me everything you have
and watch my bloated, bubbling, bursting heart grow
It's from love
but love has a price.

I'm not coveting
I'm demanding.
It isn't wrong
Because it's sharing
...one way.

(hah, I see your body twitch)
It's perfectly natural for every part of you to try to escape this room
because at first this seems perveser
because you just haven't learned to leave your brain at the door

Synchronous reactions from the automatons in the pews
Everyone speaks on cue
This is perfection.
This is perfection.
This is perfect bullshit.
And you will believe it.
I love religions and the discussion that goes along with it. The thought and thoughtfulness that stems from search. There is a definite holism to the world and it's stunningly beautiful. I, however, cannot stand what organizations do to destroy every potentially wonderful idea.

Bury me with plastic

Bury me with plastic
everlasting
tragically exposed
incinerate me and hide the ashes
let no one know
or let the bugs chew through my bones

What?
Is death not on the menu
but I’ve even got a venue
Somewhere fitting for my resting.
sitting just off the edge of the world
shining lights from the cities
singing with hues of beauty
for us to ignore
but there
it populates the skies
treating everything with
the overwheming desire to exist
If I were to die
there’d be no better place than this

Neophobia

Dripping columns growing downward reaching out for the unknown
terrorizing the eyes within my mind, closing in
the months are scales they choose to climb one by one
to design a bed of knives in the skies
mesmerized , I become enclosed in time
but somehow they're mine;
So I can't stand to see them go

Below I see them mirrored
as if above
was not enough they flow down river
repeated in the darkness
cities distant, in an instant, shadowed by my towers
in their presence, I'm diminished

Tendency

Dreams, I haven't found any yet
I don't think they're real for anyone else
Goal, can go off and kill themselves
all they given me is regret

Reasoning with our own deception
I'll find "success" if I want it bad enough; What?
Don't you realize how insane that sounds
get your head out of the clouds
it's not realistic to be so optimistic
I can't take your sunny disposition
when It's so easy looking back
finding failures to list, far to thick it's sick
the crushing rubble in my stomach
knowing I'll never be what I wanted to be
How could I smile, How could I laugh
When I'll always know what's in my past

Tell me everything

Tell me everything that's wrong with me
Tell me the truth obscured by my well-reasoned fallacies
I need to hear you say it
because I can't trust my own senses anymore
Lend me your eyes for just a minute
Give me the thoughts that you conceal
While I dance round the reality
that I refuse to feel
You're the only thing that's real

I construct these patterns
to orbit every situation
to allow my own deviations
some room.
I can watch them all come true

So while I'm watching our joints twist
You must accept the holes I missed
tangled in a knot, locked and lost
but fine exactly how we are
this is how it should be
and this is all I see

Stop Thinking

what are you thinking
you're out of your mind
please see reason
she wouldn't give you the time
pick up on the indecision
give up all these hallucinations
she's not a drug
but she could be
I can tell that you're an addict
affluent to your misdeeds
succumb to all the dreams
to make what you feel real
it isn't working
The more that you invent
the more you descend
digging deeper and deeper
until you finally realise
when look into the skies
and wonder:

Was it always this dark
There are shadows
where there were meadows
things are creeping
seeping out of my eyes
and I am terrified
what was I thinking
this happens every time

Love

My heart is beating at the inside of my chest
It knows what's best It knows what's best
It wants to leave, I guess it thinks it would be better on its own
maybe it's right

and now my legs begin to shake from all this blood now in their veins
They want to run
They want to run
But they don't realise just how far away you are
They want to run They want to run
as words are ripped from my tongue
into truth found in stuttered prose
that I stumble through And you'll never know.
Those words were meant for you

I'm too afraid you'll take them to heart
Too afraid you'll finally understand:
there are nights that I can't sleep
because I know that in my dreams I will see
what I can't have
I don't think I could take another day awake
if I am forced to put on this face and pretend
but somehow I do it, again and again

Not Interested in Being Friends

Stop asking if he loves you back
if he felt like me you wouldn't have to ask

The pale walls I built into my stare
you would see if you actually cared.
I'd pressed against my lips an astounding silence
uncharacteristic of a man drunk in your presence
but it's fear that motivates this
you're drop dead gorgeous
and I can't take it
I can't get out my words not that I could find any anyway
wait! where are you going?
Please stay,
I need your gaze
Those eyes
Oh god, those eyes
I feel like I'm drowning
and I don't mind
I feel like I'm dying
and I don't mind

Dreams

In my dreams I'm dying all the time
Like I'm suffocating in each memory I hide

my mind is supposed to treat me right
but I'm so terrified of what I'll do tonight
when I close my eyes

Angry

I hope you second guess every one of your decisions
Questioning your motives, recognizing your dissension
I hope you give up on yourself like you gave up on me
Be forced to listen to the happiness seeping from your body
Can you tell that I'm a little angry?

I wish I could pull those days from my mind
let them sink into this sea of mine and die
Because it seems that I
can still draw your face from memory haunting the scenery in the back of every dream
stalking my periphery
I shouldn't bother stealing glances
but it's all that I have left
to contrast the innocence
I had before you went
Can you tell that I'm a little sad?

I just want to fuck you
or fuck off
depending on the day.

Labyrinth

Pressed against each cell wall, the sickening feeling of complacency overwhelms even the most mindless of nuclei. The flow seems controlled as if by some ultimate design that fell short of an ultimate purpose. Blueprints without words, a labyrinth is formed; but the problem with this labyrinth isn't getting lost. Each turn leads to an exit. There is always an end. Always the same end. Stark and unappealing, deceiving us into understanding.
A boy fights to enter the maze. He doesn't choose this fight characterized by the sudden surge of gas inflating the organs beneath his chest. Alive: He begins to sing as a crowd gathers but his tears mix with the atmosphere of his old world as it falls to the floor. It's stolen, but by who? He fought for this. This was His reward.

Years pass by beyond his perception. He masters speech, learns of fate, of choices and the effects of such mistakes. Each guides him further in. So many turns without meaningful direction until he finds himself staring blankly through a frost covered windshield. A realization surges past every membrane. A straight line. This facade he fought so hard for can end with a straight line. But as this thought festers in his gut, it struggles against a charge unseen before. Something within resists every connection between that thought's existence and the decision for action.
Six years the thought pushes from each corner of his meek form, silently prodding him closer and closer to the end, but still that resistance persists.

Linked Lists

Insanity:
It's Time to Say Goodbye
Can't You Hear
I Dreamt of the Past
Insanity

More to come when I'm less lazy...

It's Time to Say Goodbye

So, I have an unhealthy amount of pieces written about CMD (Crazy Man Disorder...lookitup).

It's Time to Say Goodbye
Who's talking to me? There's no one here
If they all had to leave, why are you still near?
You don't have a face, a body to shake
how do I get you to go? I don't need you around any more
You're a fictitious, malicious villain living in my head
I can't take it any more, I want you dead.

Does this make you happy? Yeah?
You must be crazy.
A Psychopath if you'd ask me. But you never do.

Whispers of lies
sever the contact
between my conscious
and my conscience

What have you done what have I done what have we done?
I don't deserve this.
I don't deserve you.
It's time for you to go.

Pressed against my lips

I have this memory of a story that never happened
and I can't control these thoughts I'm having
The shortness of breaths between misteps in my speech
I think it's your presence that makes me weak

I just keep coming back
with my nervous reactions
and my white boy dancing
and every friend of yours that kept clouding my passion
and trashing this state that I'm in
and the sin I imagine, pressed behind my lips
I wish this bliss exacted in my thought
but left distraught and lost
could be left in your trust
Where I know it'd be put to use

Late Night

Stuck inside a cardboard box
with nothing but the arms of clocks
weighing more with every tick
and I'm about to break

The vibrations from the truck
pollute my ever-present breathing
and I can hear the searing from a sun I've never found
We just keep moving


The sickness hits me like a hurricane
and lingers like its aftermath
While sundried afternoons kill the plants,

I laugh and laugh at every little image in my brain
before I realise how much it makes me look insane
I'm not, I swear I'm not
It's just that no one sees the world
we only breathe the air around us
trapped inside our little cubes
rely far too much on trust
and faith that we know.
We don't know
We don't know anything at all

Summation

Pretty sure I had this at least partially completed before coming to Clemson.

Should I channel my feelings
into something real enough to bother being named
let it take my breath away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a spiraling notebook on a shelf in my closet
annotated in graphite is the shadow of my soul
nihilistic but whole and its been insured
but it's got nothing let to live for
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Glass projected films on the ceiling
each and every dream is peeling
Can't you just keep them away
have them taped and chained
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A line of papers coat the floor
melted in the summer heat
the words worth writing
were hidden in the ink
So I crumble in the earth
my fate secured with the dirt
she wanted me a little early
and I'm just too lonely without her

Reincarnation of a Madman

Wrote this, err, last week?

Why can't my madness make any sense
without the cents I paid for this recorder
While the tragedy of being me
lay lame in the distorted
message to the man on the dark side of the moon fishing for answers
we're fishing for answers
and on the times we get a tug
the questions have traveled on
dulled by all the fuss
and maybe we are too.
Too clouded with the "Truth"

Each moment dies with the birth of a new
why don't we ever mourn the loss
is it too fast to recognize?
Instead the switch contains a bliss from the unknowingness within

Change is on the way
and it doesn't give a shit for us
I try so hard to stave it off
but it still buries me in it's dust
after I arise, broken but alive
I am who I was
But I've never been the same
Why can't this madness make any sense
I don't want to feel afraid

Belated Post #3

The notes the flow
The presentation;
It's all for show
this lamentation

We don't seem to see
Truth can so be easy
It is just too much to try

We're not just growing apart
The maze has closed off our start
and you don't even care

So, I throw down my last card
And fold into shards
of a relationship we shared and when I look at the words
I realize it's okay for me to move on
and from the away you down

Belated Post #2

I can't wait for the time
when I'm on your mind and it's a good thing
I don't think I can take any more of this
you're animosity is grinding every part of me
and I just want to scream
punch a hole in each wall
Even though it's my fault

Why can't we fight about things that don't matter
and after fill our ears with laughter
from the stupid things we said instead
enjoy the makeup sex I've heard so much about

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would fight this resistence I have to life with blood pumping cyanide but I've never had the balls.
It's so much easier to ignore, let my heart grow numb and my mind get stale; turns out after these months, I really was that frail.
So I froze the world with every inch of snow around me, leaving traces of my pacing thinking I'd have time for a future; but the arms wrapped around are chilling, ticking in my ears and I want it all to go away. But each flake that hits my face staves off another round of burning in my eyes.
It's been 15 years or 15 days I don't know I gave up on counting long ago.

Belated Posts

I am going to post a backlog from last semester now followed by a few that were written recently. I'll keep them to one piece per post?

Breathe
I just need to breathe
Let the air flow from my lungs
Push the words tangled on my tongue

Speak
I just need to speak
Let you know what I feel

Cause I
can think nothing more
perfect and impure
as you
And I
want nothing less
than to see you undress
before my eyes
This isn't lust
okay it is but it is as just as the love inside

But honestly
I can't resist your kiss
The feel of your lips
the heat of your breath on my skin
The scene becomes surreal the more real it is

Breathe
I just need to breathe
I can't allow this fever to take control
But I look at the bruised and bitten body
that lay before me
only to realize the small genocide I've just committed
yet I don't mind. In fact, I'd do it again and again for you.

Homely

I found this from 10 months ago...style. Mark needs more happy poetry dammit!


There's home in my heart that I made for you
I put it in the hole where you ran me through
And the poem inside is made from the words
That I spoke but you never heard

I left the door locked
Hoping you would find the key
But it seems you never looked
And I think it time I leave

The burning candles I have been smothered
The roses withered and paintings covered
I let the dust grow around
Every article of love I found

the pictures of you I tatered and frayed
and threw away
I never again want to see your face

Retreat

Phosphorescent eyes
leaving;
Waves crashing upon lips
wells and currents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EL FIN

Hung

I could fill the room with anger
from my closets of regrets,
but it still wouldn't be enough
to outweigh my happy thoughts of you
yet there's no way for me to express
the fears I cling to on each breath
I watch leave my lips

It's rather fitting that you
hang up when you do
I never have anything to say.
So instead, I will undress my mind, bare it all.
Let me hide behind these walls no longer
and in their place
Let me see the eyes that are so damn far away

Separation Anxiety

So this love for me you had I hope it falls in another's lap
after the three days it took to realise your mistake
of 5 months less a few more
and you want to make sure I'm okay?
What's with this silly joke you play?
Enjoy your freedoms, from my oppressive ways.
Enjoy your new life, now that everything's changed.
As for me I'll cling to this stage
while the actors take their bows and leave.
Here I'll stay.
Now that I feel so hollow
and the frogs in my throat ate the butterflies below;
I hope you enjoy your time alone

I used Scotch tape to keep my dreams in place
Hoping you'd replace them for a while
Now I know that I am not where you want to be
And it's not you, it isn't me
And there's no misunderstanding
so don't worry like I do
Don't worry like I do.
I guess I thought everything would be okay
But my love you escaped
I'm stuck trying to hold water between my palms
working out where we went wrong
But then I realise as I let the water touch my eyes
that this is just how it goes
People change or at least that's what they say
I think all along, we're just hiding who we are
from ourselves
And we spend so much time finding what we lost
But at what cost do we regain what was gone?
I hope this is worth it. I hope this is what you want.
Because darling you deserve it. Everything you've got.
Honestly I love you and it hurts to see you go.
But I know it would hurt more to use any means to force you to stay.

Huff and Puff

I drown the silence of this effervescent scene
With the noise of someone's memories
As I disguise my own reality
With what they want from me

Walls of straws and sticks and bricks
less than one inch thick
hide away the deepest of my secrets

Yet with each of my breaths
I lend you more of what's left
Without doubt without fear
I know I want you here

Grounded

Found this in a text document I don't recall creating. *Shrug* Oh well

Grounded
Lost clean, fell from the edge
Gone now, nothing was left
Notes rose, but only in ashes
Hope dimmed, as time passes

I just don't know how to react (how to react)
I just don't know how to feel (how to feel)

Shoes opened, ready for the races
Not motivated, can't stop pacing
Mind flows, but without control
Thoughts weighted down, I want to let go

I just don't know how to react (how to react)
I just don't know how to feel (how to feel)

Get your head into the clouds, boy
Sometimes real won't let you heal, boy
Release every truth you've ever held
Just to understand, how you've really felt

Sit back, relax, take your mind for a spin
Let the tires roll as you dive within
Push past the walls they can't divide
the honesty, while you lookin inside

I just don't know how to react (how to react)
I just don't know how to feel (how to feel)

Something different

I have calculated the distance from here to the end of this conversation and I search for the accelerator before I lose what loose concentration I still cling because I don't care about your dissertation or the minute dissections in the fine line between the print and the line beneath. And I find that for one small payment 2.99, rubber covers up the noise. And I find that for one small payment of 2.99, I can cleanse my thoughts of you once more.

Vicarious

I'm sure these will brighten your day.
/sarcasm
The lines separate the lyrics

The thing I hate about these is they are dishonest through their permanence. When I wrote them, I suppose I meant them. However, they are temporal and yet the printed words cling on for dear life, rejecting their evanescence for some semblance of a immortality or some such bullshit.

Vicarious
Your parables and anecdotes
are as close as I'll get to your feelings
You are open about what you see and what you've done
But not what you've become

I've been shunned by your thoughts
Locked out of your mind
And I think it's time
for a little honesty
Cause this secrecy is taking its toll
on me
I patiently await your story
------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't got a problem with you
In fact that couldn't be further from the truth
just the things you expect from me
To be honest, I've stop trying cause I'm not sure I can
take the way you think of me
I'm just an immature child to
there's so many things I should change for you
I am wasting away
I am wasting away

You want to shake me like I'm an etch-a-sketch
you hope that maybe I'll be clear of this mess
that you percieve in me
that you percieve in me

I will be able to start anew
like I was never here
these things that I've done
become petty and forgotten

I wish you would just take over me
I could live vicariously


My mind is a mess
of things I wish/ I didn't know
of places I wish/ I didn't go
And these memories infect my mind
And my dreams from time to time
Sometimes I wish I was insane
I didn't have half my brain
I wouldn't think straight
And I couldn't remember these things

I am a puppet without a master
A loose cannon, in need of a brake
If you could take the reins from me
this rabid bull inside my mind
So I can close my eyes and hide
just sit back, relax for the ride

would you take control of me
so I can live vicariously

A poem

I wrote this for Inesse. I thought maybe you'd like to read it to? I dunno. I don't ever write poetry so this is likely a one of thing, but whatevs.

I'm projecting my thoughts
in terms no one can understand
I am Right, I am Wrong
I am whatever you want
Save me from your crass, from your callous
from your victory charades
Because honestly I don't give a damn what you say

Wait, that isn't what I mean
Calm down take a seat and listen,
to my story.
Please, Relax your defense.
I don't wish to fence with my swords or my words nor with my actions
For as sure as I sound in my allusions and conclusions,
they brought these contusions in my mind,
they wrought these repulsions in my ears.
And I fear I've become my own enemy.
From what I see, it's what I speak
that cause these fights, this sickening picketing between us.
I hold back my thoughts even though I know I should not,
Whether through fear or assumption
it's just wrongful presumption that I knew what you know, that I've thought what you think, that I've been what you are.
So I attempt to be coherent cohesive
sacrifice truth for hidden treatise that you saw through every time.
I am sorry for this and for before
where I was wrong and still fought more and more
in voice, in silence.
I beg you please. accept this apology.

Forest

Forest
I plant these seeds
One for every heart beat
Since you left me
I'll help them grow
So they won't have to know
What its like to be alone

Without you I haven't found a home
For my arms for my hands for my heart
Without you nothing seems to stick around

Without you I haven't found a soul
To cling io with my own
And I think it would be
Better for you and me
If you would be so kind as to let me back in your life

I'll catch the chicks
as they fall from the twigs
that weren't strong enough to keep them in their nests

And I worry
that I'll miss one in this rush
I'll be sorry
to lose even one to the underbrush
But this forest is growing
And I
And I
And I can't do this alone

Without you I haven't found a home
For my arms for my hands for my heart
Without you nothing seems to stick around

Without you I haven't found a soul
To cling io with my own
And I think it would be
Better for you and me
If you would be so kind as to let me back in your life

Comatose(Unf)

So I've decided I ted to finish more of what I put up and look at regularly than those thing I leave in the bowels of my phone or hard drive or whatever.

Comatose
I can't believe that you would treat me this way
Just leave me within the leaves that landed beneath your feet

So I search the ground below for a trace of your soul
There must be a path beyond this death
And I can't resist the ties to you made in me long ago

Was this a choice you made or was it out of your control
Is there something I can say to help you regain your hold

From Me to You

From Me to You
If I were alive the day
the earth was made
I'd ensure there was a way
for me to get to you
anytime I wanted to

I'd build a bridge across the earth
made from the stone and dirt
beneath our feet
hidden from the naked
just for you and I

And if the distance from here to China
Is not enough to take your mind of of the things
that weigh you down
We will leave the earth behind
Let the night sky be our guide

There would never be a time
Where I could not be at your side
We'd finally be free
To anything

Just Finished Updating

It's been long over due, but I've finally finished updating with the songs I left out previously for some unknown reason. The date is based on recorded date elsewhere, so the posts continue to represent the chronology as close possible. I've undoubtedly made a mistake or two. Live with it ;)

-Mark

Low Fidelity

Low Fidelity
Your secrets safe with me
The coffer's locked and I've thrown away the key
But honestly I can't believe you'd still trust me
after what I've done to you
but I didn't know you didn't know
And it's true
I love you
as much as the lioness does the tiger
as I slip away at night
during the king's slumber

I'm sure the pack will be pleased to see
their queen lose her seat
They never liked me much
and I can't stand to lay at that man's feet

He's so destructive, sadistic
I'm so seductive, mystic
He doesn't deserve me like you do
You're so powerful and sly, so fun and mysterious
I can't understand why it took me so long
to find a man who likes what I do

But he must never find out the truth
HE cannot know for I fear for your soul
So the coffin's been locked
buried beneath my heart
where you can hide
I'll be there in due time